Breaking Open

Apple Orchard in February 
"How strange that the nature of life is change, yet the nature of human beings is to resist change. And how ironic that the difficult times we fear might ruin us are the very ones that can break us open and help us blossom into who we were meant to be." Elizabeth Lesser 

It was years ago that I read Elizabeth Lesser's book, Broken Open. I was reminded of it today when I was watching one of my favorite nomadic youtubers. He was quoting her along with acknowledging the fear many of us are going through during this time.

My fears have subsided pretty much.

I believe it's because I am doing everything I can to live fully each day.

I am continuing to blog,  paint and take photos.

I started a small garden. I am listening to good music.

I am learning French on the app Duolingo.  Have you heard of Duolingo.  I am hooked.

I am cooking healthy meals and being present with my partner while making plans for our future.  Not being attached to anything specific,  just visioning.

I am living simply,  keeping expenses to a minimum.

Have I forgotten about the people suffering,  dying, sitting up all night with anxiety,  alone, isolated,  going broke.

No. I will never forget them. I was them in 2008 going broke, throwing up with anxiety for many years during the Great Recession.  I have watched people close to me suffer and die. One day, I will die.

I sit with this knowing,  touching my heart everyday. I do not live in denial.

It can be an uncomfortable life living with an open heart watching this time unfold. Watching systems and businesses die. Knowing that in the suffering,  there will be healing. Praying people will change and some of the damaging businesses will not return. That maybe we can invest in a sustainable structure instead of a destructive one through all this.

I try to live as fully and deeply as I can so I don't waste my life wishing things were different knowing change is inevitable and letting go can be the hardest part.

Many days I am good with this. Some days I want to scream, cry and roll up in a ball. And sometimes I do.

What I won't do is give up.

Life is too beautiful even with suffering to give up.

It is meant to be lived and transformed by.

And this I will be grateful for.

For it all.

I wouldn't miss being in this life for anything.

It is a gift to just breathe.

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