Where is Home


Vista Point Look Out in California 

It has been nine years since I have called a place I live at home. I have bounced around living with family, renting a room, and staying at pet sit client's homes since losing my farm in 2011. I am not complaining. After nine years searching for home, I have found home within me. 

I have learned that home means something different to me than it means to many other people. After losing my dream home, I remain unattached and not easily swayed by houses. Recently, I realized I can't commit to a house. In fact, a month to month lease would be the biggest commitment I could agree to. My heart wants to wander and explore.

When I do settle down for a longer period of time, it will be close to the sea. And possible some time spent in the desert. I love the mountains, the trees, the alpine lakes and meadows, the possibility of seeing black bear and the crystal clear waters, but I can't stay long in the mountains. I experience severe high altitude sickness. So, in a way, my body has determined where I can live. Close to the sea and some time in the desert are the healthiest choices for me.

When I am close to the sea wherever that may be, it is the closest I feel to "home". I am at "home" near the sea. 

It is interesting to follow life by intuition and by heart's desire instead of forcing myself to live the way I think I should live. I don't have as many rules as I used to, especially around jobs and work. I am becoming more flexible and open as I grow older. I was much more rigid and strict with myself and others when I was young. I tried to conform and contort myself trying to prove my worth by conforming to other's rules of how I should behave and perform for many years. 

This caused me to have migraines, and horrible bouts of muscle pain and exhaustion forcing myself to be someone I was not. When I had my farm, I escaped by spending too much money and sacrificing my financial and physical well being by rescuing more animals than I could possibly emotionally and financially care for over long periods of time in a fully balanced and healthy way. My animals got their veterinary care and dental work done while I neglected my own care. I don't regret the deep bonds I had with my animals and the gift they were to me for many years, but it was unbalanced. I sacrificed everything I had to make their lives whole.

I have learned so much over these past few years and I feel a sense of freedom now. I am allowing life to unfold without trying to make things happen. I have no idea what my future is. I don't know where we will travel when the orders are lifted, where I will work, what kind of job I will be doing, or who I will meet along our path. I have surrendered having to know what my life will be in the future during the pandemic and after. By surrendering, I don't have the anxiety and worry I tried to suppress and stop when I was forcing my life to conform to what I thought it should be.

"If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath"
                                                                                
                                                                                Amit Ray

Today, the pandemic is a stone along the path of my journey. I am learning to navigate around it, not letting it stop me from living fully. The virus is a tool to go deeper within, to be more fully present in my relationship and creativity. To find ways to be closer to nature from my backyard to the wilder areas of where I live. It is a constant reminder to not waste moments. Who knows how long each of us have on this Earth?  For me, material things unless they are something I need to fulfill my adventure and purpose are not worth the time and energy to buy, consume and take care of. For me, it is easier to travel light. I am interested in experiences not things at this time in my life. 

I want to breathe in as much life as I can while I am here.


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